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Saturday, November 29, 2003
blacking out the friction
i pity the people of california, where it never really achieves winter. they could never experience the feeling of nature so crisp and calculated in it's dormancy. with the bite of chilly air comes the illusion that things are sharper, that the world has decided to wait for you for a change... and i like that.
so i drove home from my mother's house, fat on leg of lamb (we boycotted the traditional thanksgiving turkey dinner years ago) and potatoes, through the old winding two-lane roads of the somewhat-countryside where i grew up. there's a beauty in that kind of stillness. if adrenaline provides an irrefutable sense of the present, and dreams provide a sense of your future as equally acute, then driving through your old neighborhood in late november can certainly bring into focus the bittersweet joy of your past.
and sooner or later during your little trip, you'll realize that the past was probably better than you've been thinking. because the good will start to migrate towards you, as if your mind were completely aware how much your body needs the warmth those memories could give you. i'd like to think that's the one forgotten benefit of a season where everyone seems to feel so alone : you'll give your past the meaning it deserves.
i pity the people of california, where it never really achieves winter. they could never experience the feeling of nature so crisp and calculated in it's dormancy. with the bite of chilly air comes the illusion that things are sharper, that the world has decided to wait for you for a change... and i like that.
so i drove home from my mother's house, fat on leg of lamb (we boycotted the traditional thanksgiving turkey dinner years ago) and potatoes, through the old winding two-lane roads of the somewhat-countryside where i grew up. there's a beauty in that kind of stillness. if adrenaline provides an irrefutable sense of the present, and dreams provide a sense of your future as equally acute, then driving through your old neighborhood in late november can certainly bring into focus the bittersweet joy of your past.
and sooner or later during your little trip, you'll realize that the past was probably better than you've been thinking. because the good will start to migrate towards you, as if your mind were completely aware how much your body needs the warmth those memories could give you. i'd like to think that's the one forgotten benefit of a season where everyone seems to feel so alone : you'll give your past the meaning it deserves.
Thursday, November 27, 2003
lament
it's sitting there, a tiny collection of pixels, mocking me. because i can't listen to it, i'm such a coward these days.
when she called and i was in that damn store with my mother last night, i looked at the caller ID on the front of my phone and did a double take. maybe it wasn't wise to trade numbers again at jeff's wedding, maybe that was the last resort of a desperate and lonely young man trying to fool himself into thinking he'd changed.
i want to hear what she he had to say, it was probably just a thanksgiving check-up, but maybe she's dying to see me. that would be bad. meeting up again, alone, after years of not speaking to each other. but man, i miss her little accent and the adorable way she'd draw out the softer words and smile up at me. and while i've certainly exaggerated her importance, i don't think i could ever disillusion myself when it came to how great she was.
i hate this time of year.
it's sitting there, a tiny collection of pixels, mocking me. because i can't listen to it, i'm such a coward these days.
when she called and i was in that damn store with my mother last night, i looked at the caller ID on the front of my phone and did a double take. maybe it wasn't wise to trade numbers again at jeff's wedding, maybe that was the last resort of a desperate and lonely young man trying to fool himself into thinking he'd changed.
i want to hear what she he had to say, it was probably just a thanksgiving check-up, but maybe she's dying to see me. that would be bad. meeting up again, alone, after years of not speaking to each other. but man, i miss her little accent and the adorable way she'd draw out the softer words and smile up at me. and while i've certainly exaggerated her importance, i don't think i could ever disillusion myself when it came to how great she was.
i hate this time of year.
Tuesday, November 25, 2003
television historian
i often forget how much i was raised by tv. then an episode of Cheers will come on like tonight's : where Woody, not having very much money, give's his rich girlfriend, Kelly, the gift of a birthday song. it's also the one where Cliff invents the rootabaga/beet cross-breed, the beetabaga - complete with a signed affadavit.
it also reminds me of how enamored i was with Kirstie Alley, she was really a good manifestation of that Older Woman archetype that i find so appealing to this day.
i really am a sucker for sitcoms, even if they're more charicatures than characters, a predictable story with witty dialogue gets me everytime.
i often forget how much i was raised by tv. then an episode of Cheers will come on like tonight's : where Woody, not having very much money, give's his rich girlfriend, Kelly, the gift of a birthday song. it's also the one where Cliff invents the rootabaga/beet cross-breed, the beetabaga - complete with a signed affadavit.
it also reminds me of how enamored i was with Kirstie Alley, she was really a good manifestation of that Older Woman archetype that i find so appealing to this day.
i really am a sucker for sitcoms, even if they're more charicatures than characters, a predictable story with witty dialogue gets me everytime.
Friday, November 21, 2003
nice work, robin williams
“Because when you create, evolution gives you feedback. When you create you get a little endorphin buzz… why do you think Einstein looked like that?”
that's all, i just really liked that line when i sat here watching Inside the Actors Studio.
“Because when you create, evolution gives you feedback. When you create you get a little endorphin buzz… why do you think Einstein looked like that?”
that's all, i just really liked that line when i sat here watching Inside the Actors Studio.
when you take that coke with the quickly melting ice and pour it into a short glass you havem't used it some time, grab the bottle off the shelf near the sink and pour it in top, stir it with your pinky finger and suck the beverage off, all before 3pm... you may have a problem.
but i tell you what : for the first drink all week, it tastes so damn good.
i can feel the way it presses against the front of my chest from the inside after the first long gulp. the musky, strong scent bringing to mind thousands of captured memories. the lust of long first kisses, the echoing laughter of a chorus of friends, and the tingle of effort it takes to grow a smile.
but i tell you what : for the first drink all week, it tastes so damn good.
i can feel the way it presses against the front of my chest from the inside after the first long gulp. the musky, strong scent bringing to mind thousands of captured memories. the lust of long first kisses, the echoing laughter of a chorus of friends, and the tingle of effort it takes to grow a smile.
Thursday, November 20, 2003
the kiss list
i'm attempting to compile a list of all the ladies i've made it to first base with. sure, it sounds a little mysoginistic, but really it's just a trip down memory lane. all right, that's kind of a lie... tangible scoring can help reinforce one's belief that they've shred their teenage dorkiness, and i'm reveling in the overwhelming numbers. it's also inadvertently helping me remember some of the things i learned from them, and cementing my idea that the hard-knocks-style School of Women is really the last great educational systems of man.
i'm also having a lot of difficulty remembering names here and there, cause there are quite a few i'm forgetting in the shockingly long list. it sure is fun though.
i'm attempting to compile a list of all the ladies i've made it to first base with. sure, it sounds a little mysoginistic, but really it's just a trip down memory lane. all right, that's kind of a lie... tangible scoring can help reinforce one's belief that they've shred their teenage dorkiness, and i'm reveling in the overwhelming numbers. it's also inadvertently helping me remember some of the things i learned from them, and cementing my idea that the hard-knocks-style School of Women is really the last great educational systems of man.
i'm also having a lot of difficulty remembering names here and there, cause there are quite a few i'm forgetting in the shockingly long list. it sure is fun though.
Wednesday, November 19, 2003
evil architecture
Paradise existed in the few spare seconds right at the end of the bridge, right before Jimmy let loose with the anthem chorus for the third time.
She knew I was stealing my glances like pennies as she drove, but she kept her eyes fixed on the road. One of the few girls I knew whose skin tone almost perfectly matched her hair color, that has to take some talent.
“Thanks for coming with me on this little excursion. I’ve had a craving for sushi for like days and Atlantic is the only place I really like.”
“Yeah, sure. No problem. I’m just happy to be out of the house.”
Zoe inched the accelerator down and pushed her old Honda up to 70. The lines shooting around the car went by faster. I’d known her about six months, ever since walking into that bar after looking at an apartment across the street, yet this was probably the first time we were ever completely alone. She didn’t change, though. She never once lost her flippant, unconcerned air. She was one of “those girls”.
The kind of girls that exist, almost solely, as trials for young men. They don’t really want you at all, and if they need you then it’s their most closely guarded secret. To admit a defeat to a man would be a betrayal of their coda. They are The Unattainables. Except of course for that chronically abusing guy they ran away from weeks, months, years ago. They’re tied to him, so I hate to break it you, but the best you can hope for is a distant second place.
Paradise existed in the few spare seconds right at the end of the bridge, right before Jimmy let loose with the anthem chorus for the third time.
She knew I was stealing my glances like pennies as she drove, but she kept her eyes fixed on the road. One of the few girls I knew whose skin tone almost perfectly matched her hair color, that has to take some talent.
“Thanks for coming with me on this little excursion. I’ve had a craving for sushi for like days and Atlantic is the only place I really like.”
“Yeah, sure. No problem. I’m just happy to be out of the house.”
Zoe inched the accelerator down and pushed her old Honda up to 70. The lines shooting around the car went by faster. I’d known her about six months, ever since walking into that bar after looking at an apartment across the street, yet this was probably the first time we were ever completely alone. She didn’t change, though. She never once lost her flippant, unconcerned air. She was one of “those girls”.
The kind of girls that exist, almost solely, as trials for young men. They don’t really want you at all, and if they need you then it’s their most closely guarded secret. To admit a defeat to a man would be a betrayal of their coda. They are The Unattainables. Except of course for that chronically abusing guy they ran away from weeks, months, years ago. They’re tied to him, so I hate to break it you, but the best you can hope for is a distant second place.
"would you be an outlaw for my love?"
city officials in Moscow are clamping down on PDA. it's nice to know that the rest of the world is right there with us on entering an age of restrictions on civil liberties. maybe orwel and huxley were just a bit premature in their assumptions, or perhaps even a little over-confident when it came to the timeliness of "big brother".
coming soon : GOVERNMENT IMPOSES BAN ON JOY
p.s. anyone (except Tim) confident enough in their pop music lexicon to get the above reference gets a cookie
city officials in Moscow are clamping down on PDA. it's nice to know that the rest of the world is right there with us on entering an age of restrictions on civil liberties. maybe orwel and huxley were just a bit premature in their assumptions, or perhaps even a little over-confident when it came to the timeliness of "big brother".
coming soon : GOVERNMENT IMPOSES BAN ON JOY
p.s. anyone (except Tim) confident enough in their pop music lexicon to get the above reference gets a cookie
Tuesday, November 18, 2003
the unh! project
i just really enjoyed checking out these photos.
it's not really a "project" per se, more of a "collection". good times either way.
i just really enjoyed checking out these photos.
it's not really a "project" per se, more of a "collection". good times either way.
saved by the bell
in this episode kelly is faced with the tough decision of choosing either zack or slater for the prom. apparently this was really taxing, she even had a dream sequence with that cheesy pink SBTB border on it where zack was heartbroken. she eventually decides on the blonde wonder.meanwhile screech is taking it up a notch in his lisa pursuit.
wait a minute, kelly's dad walks into her room to tell her good luck with the prom, then breaks some harsh news : he's lost his job at the defense plant. uh oh! kelly selflessly gives up her dress money to pops, he tries to tell her no, but she insists and he eventually takes it anyway what a prick! well she did insist that she was "fine with it"... he leaves the room and then she breaks down crying, "that's the first time i've ever lied to my daddy." aww. come 'ere sweetie. i'll make it better.
now i remember how this ends! zack takes it badly but eventually stages a one-on-one prom for kelly outside the gym where they wear their civvies, what a sweet guy. kelly rewards him with a HOT closed-mouth, one second long kiss. i know it's HOT too because all the studio audience went "ooooOOOOOoooo". tv should always tell you how to react.
in this episode kelly is faced with the tough decision of choosing either zack or slater for the prom. apparently this was really taxing, she even had a dream sequence with that cheesy pink SBTB border on it where zack was heartbroken. she eventually decides on the blonde wonder.meanwhile screech is taking it up a notch in his lisa pursuit.
wait a minute, kelly's dad walks into her room to tell her good luck with the prom, then breaks some harsh news : he's lost his job at the defense plant. uh oh! kelly selflessly gives up her dress money to pops, he tries to tell her no, but she insists and he eventually takes it anyway what a prick! well she did insist that she was "fine with it"... he leaves the room and then she breaks down crying, "that's the first time i've ever lied to my daddy." aww. come 'ere sweetie. i'll make it better.
now i remember how this ends! zack takes it badly but eventually stages a one-on-one prom for kelly outside the gym where they wear their civvies, what a sweet guy. kelly rewards him with a HOT closed-mouth, one second long kiss. i know it's HOT too because all the studio audience went "ooooOOOOOoooo". tv should always tell you how to react.
unearthing the past
i got an IM today from a internet friend who stumbled across my old journal on a site called dyingdays. they really thought it had a completely different, if not better, tone to the whole thing. so i figured i might as well share it with the rest of you folks.
lancaster
i got an IM today from a internet friend who stumbled across my old journal on a site called dyingdays. they really thought it had a completely different, if not better, tone to the whole thing. so i figured i might as well share it with the rest of you folks.
lancaster
good will hunting
will: he used to just put a belt, a stick, and a wrench on the kitchen table and say, "choose."
sean: gotta go with the belt, there.
will: i used to go with the wrench.
sean: the wrench, why?
will: 'cause fuck him, that's why.
best exchange in that whole movie.
will: he used to just put a belt, a stick, and a wrench on the kitchen table and say, "choose."
sean: gotta go with the belt, there.
will: i used to go with the wrench.
sean: the wrench, why?
will: 'cause fuck him, that's why.
best exchange in that whole movie.
Sunday, November 16, 2003
lawyers have gone a'courtin'
this morning i woke and checked the mailbox to find SEVEN, read 'em SEVEN, letters from local ambulance chasers looking to represent my upcoming court case. while some of these have reasonable rates for trying to get me off the hook of my Driving While Suspended charge, some of them are downright hilarious when it comes to how sincerely insincere they sound.
"You're under tremendous stress from these charges - I know that."
i am?? you coulda fooled me, buddy. what with my spotless driving record and general charisma, this case should be a cake-walk. but you already know that, don't you? i've got six other schisters looking to make a quick buck off my WASP ass.
it's enough to make me want to call them up and jerk them around. "oh, i don't know, sir... i've got people telling me otherwise." basically just to torment them and waste their time. am i evil? maybe. are they? you better believe it!
this morning i woke and checked the mailbox to find SEVEN, read 'em SEVEN, letters from local ambulance chasers looking to represent my upcoming court case. while some of these have reasonable rates for trying to get me off the hook of my Driving While Suspended charge, some of them are downright hilarious when it comes to how sincerely insincere they sound.
"You're under tremendous stress from these charges - I know that."
i am?? you coulda fooled me, buddy. what with my spotless driving record and general charisma, this case should be a cake-walk. but you already know that, don't you? i've got six other schisters looking to make a quick buck off my WASP ass.
it's enough to make me want to call them up and jerk them around. "oh, i don't know, sir... i've got people telling me otherwise." basically just to torment them and waste their time. am i evil? maybe. are they? you better believe it!
Saturday, November 15, 2003
push-ups and moderation
a lot of that going around. the past few days saw me without an internet connection either because the evil Comcast corporation buggered up the works due some power outages or because i put off fiddling with the router/modem set-up in my kitchen, either way - problem finally solved.
but i've been going a little stir crazy that's for sure. i did run around and fill out a few applications, talked to a few managers about some simple bookstore work, but that's pretty much been my week. just kinda bouncing around my half-apartment reading/re-reading a few books and sleeping whenever i want.
like tim, i've also been devouring lectures by alan watts in mp3 form while doing my daily "work-out" of push-ups and sit-ups. i've found it to be one of the best things to do to keep my mind off the minor physical exertion, soothing English accent deilvering me much needed common sense as i move in rhythm back-and-forth.
sooner or later i've going to have to get around to writing some kind of article on my belief in a Think/Feel principle. right now it's all just a lot of hastily scribbled notes, but i would eventually like to establish my guiding principles in some kind of tangible form. i have a feeling that doing so would make them much easier to adhere to, despite the fact that doing so is now part of my natural instinct.
a lot of that going around. the past few days saw me without an internet connection either because the evil Comcast corporation buggered up the works due some power outages or because i put off fiddling with the router/modem set-up in my kitchen, either way - problem finally solved.
but i've been going a little stir crazy that's for sure. i did run around and fill out a few applications, talked to a few managers about some simple bookstore work, but that's pretty much been my week. just kinda bouncing around my half-apartment reading/re-reading a few books and sleeping whenever i want.
like tim, i've also been devouring lectures by alan watts in mp3 form while doing my daily "work-out" of push-ups and sit-ups. i've found it to be one of the best things to do to keep my mind off the minor physical exertion, soothing English accent deilvering me much needed common sense as i move in rhythm back-and-forth.
sooner or later i've going to have to get around to writing some kind of article on my belief in a Think/Feel principle. right now it's all just a lot of hastily scribbled notes, but i would eventually like to establish my guiding principles in some kind of tangible form. i have a feeling that doing so would make them much easier to adhere to, despite the fact that doing so is now part of my natural instinct.
Tuesday, November 11, 2003
mextrosexuality
... is stupid, is limiting, is the greatest step backwards for emerging male behavior within our changing society.
it's the labeling that gets my goat. i mean, why do we always have to have definitions for things? (more than a few friends are laughing at me for that last line) do we always have to do this to people? it's smacks of terms like "fag", "dike", "nigger", etc. and all the other racial/sexual slurs you can think of. because it's not about the person anymore, it's about WHAT they are rather than WHO they are.
well, it sucks.
... is stupid, is limiting, is the greatest step backwards for emerging male behavior within our changing society.
it's the labeling that gets my goat. i mean, why do we always have to have definitions for things? (more than a few friends are laughing at me for that last line) do we always have to do this to people? it's smacks of terms like "fag", "dike", "nigger", etc. and all the other racial/sexual slurs you can think of. because it's not about the person anymore, it's about WHAT they are rather than WHO they are.
well, it sucks.
Saturday, November 08, 2003
shush
something Tim said to me last weekend about his week-long blogging silence has kind of stuck with me. that somehow, when you're not telling everyone every little thing, that you take the power of your words back into yourself.
it's a lot easier to do that during this early winter chill, to just stay in and shut the fuck up, reading a book, listening to alan watts lectures on mp3 i've downloaded.
so i'm sorry ya'll, there are things i should've put down here but i just don't FEEL like it enough. it's not you, it's me.
something Tim said to me last weekend about his week-long blogging silence has kind of stuck with me. that somehow, when you're not telling everyone every little thing, that you take the power of your words back into yourself.
it's a lot easier to do that during this early winter chill, to just stay in and shut the fuck up, reading a book, listening to alan watts lectures on mp3 i've downloaded.
so i'm sorry ya'll, there are things i should've put down here but i just don't FEEL like it enough. it's not you, it's me.
Wednesday, November 05, 2003
reinventing friendship
it's funny how the objective viewpoint can help you see the error of your ways. on that note, i think i've managed to re-tool the ideas of had about what it means to be someone's friend.
in the past i've defnitely been a co-dependent guy. despite the pervading feeling of being alone, i've constantly grown better at making new accquiantences - something i once could never imagine. never did i think i could become outgoing or friendly, but i've totally corrected the issues of being a middle child, a nerd, and all the requisite shyness that comes bundled in both packages.
there's this weird sense of calm i've been feeling on the tail-end of my recent depression, so much so that it's become apparent to my pals. though they occasionally can help me sort out my thoughts, i've learned that they don't have the answers i need in my life and probably won't help me find them... they're merely along for the ride.
i guess i'm working on the idea of being an island nation with great foreign policy. totally independent, but without an economy based on trade, i'm going to get real sick of eating bananas and coconuts. without my friends, over a long period of time, life would just seem a whole lot more.... bland.
it's funny how the objective viewpoint can help you see the error of your ways. on that note, i think i've managed to re-tool the ideas of had about what it means to be someone's friend.
in the past i've defnitely been a co-dependent guy. despite the pervading feeling of being alone, i've constantly grown better at making new accquiantences - something i once could never imagine. never did i think i could become outgoing or friendly, but i've totally corrected the issues of being a middle child, a nerd, and all the requisite shyness that comes bundled in both packages.
there's this weird sense of calm i've been feeling on the tail-end of my recent depression, so much so that it's become apparent to my pals. though they occasionally can help me sort out my thoughts, i've learned that they don't have the answers i need in my life and probably won't help me find them... they're merely along for the ride.
i guess i'm working on the idea of being an island nation with great foreign policy. totally independent, but without an economy based on trade, i'm going to get real sick of eating bananas and coconuts. without my friends, over a long period of time, life would just seem a whole lot more.... bland.
Sunday, November 02, 2003
it's the B to R, the O the O-K, L-Y-N is the place where i stay
up here hanging out with Tim, Bret, and Mike. i'm kinda surprised my little car made it and i'm keeping my fingers crossed for the two and a half hour drive home.
nothing's really exploded yet, meaning that there hasn't been any weird happenings. there has however been moments of goodness, great jokes, and clarity.
the one persistent feeling...? We're All Going To Be Just Fine
up here hanging out with Tim, Bret, and Mike. i'm kinda surprised my little car made it and i'm keeping my fingers crossed for the two and a half hour drive home.
nothing's really exploded yet, meaning that there hasn't been any weird happenings. there has however been moments of goodness, great jokes, and clarity.
the one persistent feeling...? We're All Going To Be Just Fine
album
permanent :joy division
literature
breakfast at tiffany's :truman capote
single
big casino :jimmy eat world
worthwhile
they're playing my songpop occulture
i kan't spell
dispositive
pitchfork media
oblivio
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