you can't go home again,... but i guess you can shop there

I've spent the last few days hit with the kind of cold that could stun a rhino. As such, I've been a certain amount of hazy and muddled, and at one point I did admit, "I want my mommy." But that's all just a completely unrelated piece of information.

What I wanted to talk about is returning to someone, getting back together with an old flame, if that's what it can be called. Because honestly I don't know what's going on with me and this someone, I just know that it feels good to be around here again, where once it was excrutiating to even see her out.

I guess when you reconnect, because that's all it can be called right now, with someone who used to mean something to you, that is forces you to accept a great deal about yourself. Your previous mistakes all become glaringly obvious, you see where you screwed up, how it went wrong, where you made moves that at the time seemed unconcious and spontaneous but really were just moves or words spoken out of anger, jealousy, or a dangerous amount of happiness.

At this time, I really can't speculate as to why me and this someone are spending time together again and I'm not really sure I want to. Things are good between us where once was only resentment and remorse. And maybe it's stupid and silly and we're just fooling ourselves into thinking we need or want each other again. Or maybe that's maturity, accepting the mistakes of others, accepting the fact that you were rushing, believing now that you could handle a new situation much better than before.

Maybe it's...

Maybe it's that I missed her completely random questions, that I like her head on my chest and her leg over mine while we watch a movie at home, that I love watching her get dressed in the morning, that I'm glad we found our way back to each other... if only for however long we're here again, wherever "here" is. 

:doug @ 11:58 AM

flack

Oh, its an interesting time right now... but don't I always say that?

I don't know what to tell you, gentle reader(s); I'm in one of those modes where I'm all work and no play. That's really going to be the theme of this year I think - testing my patience and fortitude by steadily taking more upon my shoulders. I am not used to thinking so Big Picture, I've only ever been a small time guy, concerned only with immediate satisfaction or distraction.

I'm calmer now, I'm more in tune with my surrounding, I'm engaged, I bought-in.

So back that fuck up on all the "why don't you write more?", cause I can't think of something to say. I mean, do you really wanna hear about my day-to-day? Probably not. When I feel it come, it'll be here, but I need to fill up. I need gas, fuel and a reason to feel moved.

Until then, call. Call and let me call you back. Call and give me a little support. Be a pal, not a fan.
 

:doug @ 3:44 PM

God : he's got jokes

yes, yes he does.
 

:doug @ 1:34 AM