professionally miserable

I'm prone to ringing my hands, picking at my fingernails with my other fingernails and looking down and off to the side of the person I'm talking to. It's how you know I'm worrying. I do it a whole lot more these days. I do it when I'm positive she's going to break up with me.

You know what a lot of people never mention about falling in love? The mind-bending, asthma-inducing fear of it all. Most of the time, yes, someone comes along that makes you feel safe. Validated in all the past endeavors weather, failed, conquered or avoided. Quite often you waiver between extreme confidence and ridiculous terror.

... or maybe that's just me....

When I rock a longview or torture my appendages with endless intense, contemplative massage it will at some point become clear to me just how long I suffered alone without a person willing to know me in the way only a significant other can know you (where the title of this post becomes relevant because that's quite possibly the best way to describe me pre-girlfriend). That's usually the point where I realize what a bastard I've been to take such an awesome thing for granted. Let me draw you a chart.

Inconsideration > Fear > Realization > Shame > Penance > Redemption?

The last one is always up in the air. Every infraction could mean the end, and what somehow, miraculously, it isn't... well then it just tends to start all over again. 

:doug @ 12:02 AM