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Tuesday, September 26, 2006
Friday, September 22, 2006
dignity and shame
It got a lot colder out this week, colder everywhere. I had too much too drink, I said things I didn't mean. Things that came from a bad place in my brain, not the good place in my heart. It was exhaustion, I was tired, it seems as though the more I gave to people, the more was expected. Work people mostly. The last person who should've had to deal with me in that state took the brunt of my incredibly misguided resentment.
I have been considering drastic changes in the formula of my life. I have considering putting in notice at the bar. I have applied online for college courses. I am tired of this life. It is midnight in Fells Point, I won't make it home until 3am. My home is not a home, it is a motel. The only home I know anymore is with her, her who wants so much more for me than I know to want for myself.
Autumn is the most life-altering of seasons for me. I can remember September and October bring disasters as various as the closing of an ill-conceived company and the first time someone asked me to step behind a bar and make drinks for the evening. Car crashes, friends who've moved away and left me defenseless against their absence, eviction notices, the death of a family member.
There is a galvanizing force in shame, a turning point where your vision becomes cleared and you get up off the mat. If there was a time to make drastic changes, it'd be now. Time to stop lying to myself, I'm not a writer - I must either make headway into becoming one or stop telling people I like to write. In letting these things stay bottled up, my potential turns to anger. A feeling that cannot be controlled once I've had too many.
Time to get back on the plan. Drinking is out, smoking quite possibly as well. I will not quit my job, but I will gear up for winter intersession. Eyeglasses will be purchased, art history courses at the Walthers on Wednesday night. This is the new plan. I hope I have not screwed up the best thing I have going for me in my life, the best thing I've ever known.
I love you. Please forgive me.
It got a lot colder out this week, colder everywhere. I had too much too drink, I said things I didn't mean. Things that came from a bad place in my brain, not the good place in my heart. It was exhaustion, I was tired, it seems as though the more I gave to people, the more was expected. Work people mostly. The last person who should've had to deal with me in that state took the brunt of my incredibly misguided resentment.
I have been considering drastic changes in the formula of my life. I have considering putting in notice at the bar. I have applied online for college courses. I am tired of this life. It is midnight in Fells Point, I won't make it home until 3am. My home is not a home, it is a motel. The only home I know anymore is with her, her who wants so much more for me than I know to want for myself.
Autumn is the most life-altering of seasons for me. I can remember September and October bring disasters as various as the closing of an ill-conceived company and the first time someone asked me to step behind a bar and make drinks for the evening. Car crashes, friends who've moved away and left me defenseless against their absence, eviction notices, the death of a family member.
There is a galvanizing force in shame, a turning point where your vision becomes cleared and you get up off the mat. If there was a time to make drastic changes, it'd be now. Time to stop lying to myself, I'm not a writer - I must either make headway into becoming one or stop telling people I like to write. In letting these things stay bottled up, my potential turns to anger. A feeling that cannot be controlled once I've had too many.
Time to get back on the plan. Drinking is out, smoking quite possibly as well. I will not quit my job, but I will gear up for winter intersession. Eyeglasses will be purchased, art history courses at the Walthers on Wednesday night. This is the new plan. I hope I have not screwed up the best thing I have going for me in my life, the best thing I've ever known.
I love you. Please forgive me.
album
permanent :joy division
literature
breakfast at tiffany's :truman capote
single
big casino :jimmy eat world
worthwhile
they're playing my songpop occulture
i kan't spell
dispositive
pitchfork media
oblivio
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